speaking the truth

I miss my Hades.

But it's getting a little better. Loiosh & Tom are taking good care of me. I'm sleeping again, & eating, which I really didn't do much of last week. I realized that I REALLY need to prioritize my mental health right now, so I've been doing that.

I woke up today with a bunch of energy for Doing New Things, or at least things that I haven't been getting round to for the last year, which feels pretty good? But I gotta do these things while continuing to prioritize my mental health, which is not always a thing I've been good at. >.>

But hey, practice! It helps! Right?

UGH

Anyway I've been eating better, doing a bit of exercise -- mostly squats & leg lifts, because no equipment required -- & as of the last couple nights, sleeping better. Which makes me wonder why I don't do all of this more often, except that: the world.

We'll see how long it lasts. For now I'm gonna enjoy feeling slightly less crappy than I have for the last several months.

so there's been A LOT

(on top of the A Lot going on in the rest of the world, mind you)

Rowan (Trucker Roommate) was home for almost two weeks, which is always good cos I don't get to see them often, but also V Stressful because there's SO MUCH that needs to get done while they're home -- laundry, house projects that I'm not up to doing, lots of cooking. Plus about half the time when they're home they unload the truck cab so they can clean & refrotz it -- it's a small enough space that it's HARD to keep clean & straightened without being able to move stuff out of it, & you can't. Do that at a truck stop.

So they were home, & there was laundry, & the entire common area was full of Thing, & there was so much Stuff in the fridge that I couldn't get to any of the stuff I'd cooked ahead of time so there'd be room in the kitchen for Rowan to cook, & it was like that for about a day & a half, at which point Rowan & I sat down & had a long talk & realized that we love each other a LOT but cannot successfully live together.

Given that Rowan's the person who owns the house, this could have gone ... poorly. I mean, I woulda just moved into one of the abandoned houses, I wouldn't have been trying to live out of Tyrava, but still, not fun?

But Rowan & Inoru can move in with Rowan's parents in LA just fine. This would make it possible for Inoru to actually GO PLACES on their own, which they can't do here, because they don't drive & well. There aren't. Places here. All of the places are ten miles away.

This would give Inoru a space of their own most of the time -- Rowan's parents have a cottage out back that they'll be moving into -- but they'll still have people around if they need help with stuff. & this way, Rowan can go home & spend time with both their parents & Inoru at the same time.

Rowan just refinanced the house & can't sell it for another year anyway, so I get a year to live blessedly alone & figure out what I'm gonna do next. & they can still stop by & visit for a day or two -- them staying for a bit in _my_ space won't cause the same issues as both of us trying to live in a house that's both of ours, when we have spectacularly different ideas about how such things should work.

(A lot of it is that I deal poorly with 'stuff all over the place' & am easily visually overstimulated, & it's also hard for me to work on things when there are other people around doing Stuff. Rowan & Inoru do fine with Things in Places & also with much higher background noise & stuff levels than I do. I was trying to cope with entire overwhelm, Rowan was trying to stay small & quiet, it was NOT GOOD for either of us.)

I get a year. & I'm at a point where I'm pretty sure, if things continue as they have been, that I'll be able to get my own place.

Now when I say 'my own place' I mean 'a couple acres in the mountains in Colorado & a Tuff Shed, a water tank & small solar setup'. I still won't be able to buy an entire house, or rent an apartment, unless I win the lottery or something like. It'll be a lot of work, & things like 'baths' will once again be merely a dream.

But it'll be _mine_. A place that nobody can take from me, that nobody has the right to kick me out of. I have NEVER had that & I kiiiiiinda long for it, in that 'hey I might actually finally feel safe' sort of way. Plus I've always done best living alone -- Inoru is the least obtrusive roommate possible, half the time they don't even come out of their room, but even with that I have a harder time doing things when they're here.

Plus if I find something I don't like about the place? Not only will it be because of a decision _I_ made, but I'll actually be able to FIX IT. It'll be an abventure!

(& if all else fails, there's always the abandoned house.)

that's 'check in' if you don't like poultry

I just added this to my 'do every Monday' stuff because other than Official Patreon crossposts I haven't been posting here at all, & Official Patreon crossposts don't tend to have the personal stuff, which I really do need to write abut sometimes or they'll all get stuck in my head & fester.

UGH so, the 'rona. I'm lucky as FUCK in that I have a safe place to live & that I've actually been making _more_ sales than before the plague hit. Still stressed as fuck, though. I'm only shipping stuff once a week, which means I'm only seeing people other than my roommate once a week, which I'm mostly okay with if only because even before the plague I only rarely saw people, but I don't LIKE it & eventually it's gonna hafta change.

I went to the grocery store two days ago; it'd been three weeks since the trip before that, & with luck I'll be able to do that most of the time. I'll have to head into down this Friday, though, because I have stuff to pick up at Home Despot, because apparently they don't SHIP any more, just ship stuff to their stores for people to pick up. Because now is? apparently a good time to make people come into the store??

URGH. I'm not getting stuff from them again until either I've been vaccinated or they start shipping again. Lowe's exists. So does Menards. (Did you save big money?)

Couple weeks ago was Loiosh's twelfth birthday & a week later The Vagabond Tabby's 12th birthday, so I had a big sale, which turned out to be HUGE, WOW. Also stressful; apparently I have leveled up in Small Business & need to scale operations up slightly. I'm not gonna do TOO much until I know it's gonna stick, but I did order a microwave to go in my workroom so I don't have to haul stuff back & forth from the kitchen any more. That will be NICE.

Work progresses on Tyrava, if slowly. But then everything is going slowly. I'm sleeping between ten & twelve hours a day but still tired, which was happening some before the plague, but the stress hasn't helped at ALL. I'm not trying to do much about it other than just take care of myself as much as I can *shrug*. I do want to go to the doctor to ask about all the tired, but who knows when that sort of thing is gonna be a good idea again?

The cats are mostly fine. Even Loiosh is becoming resigned to not getting to see his people.

I'm mostly not checking the news on my own. Stuff filters through from Twitter or from people posting here & that's ... basically all I can cope with. If I read too much my mental health starts sliding from 'not great, but here we are' to 'if I don't do something Right Now this is gonna be potentially dangerous'. I don't like it, but all the other options are worse.

But I'm surviving. It ain't fun, but I'll get through it.

it is monday, & we are here

monday being when i plan to do these, which does not mean that they will always happen on monday, because Stuff Happens, also All Timing is Right Timing

but today it is happening in a monday, & we are here.

what works?

taking my time. doing it right. half a thing at a time. catching up before i start new stuff.

next time i might ...

remember that when i have 'get offline' as a self-care Thing for the week, it helps if i do, in fact, get offline

the hard

Medium-Sized Child is, in fact, a teenager (or nearly so), & all that comes with that. a breath for not duct-taping him to anything.

dealing with others' expectations in reference to what i will be able to do in support of said child, which is actually I Have Cats They Can Feed Themselves & also Hey Kid, Here's A Can Of Chef Boyardee Food. I'll hang out with him, I'll big-sibling him, I ain't parenting him, cos Bad Things. A breath for This Is Why I Didn't Have Children.

Medium-Sized Child's mother, who is SO MANY problem, she's parentifying him, she lets him watch all kinda rated R movies with neither supervision nor discussion, she goes from nothin to yell, & then she's All Surprised when he acts up. A breath for We Cannot Steal This Kid, Probably.

managing my own expectations while helping Dharma go through/sort/winnow her Stuff, which there is quite a lot of, with the goal of making it make more sense, be more accessible, & also for there to be Less of it. She keeps things that have me going 'what why would you even'. & this is okay, they are her things! She is allowed to do this! & getting all cranky about it does not help anyone.

the good

there is, in fact, less Stuff than there was! & my roommate is happy with the way she is dealing with her Stuff! a breath for things working right.

Roommate & I are in agreement about Medium-Sized Child's Mother, & will be working in firm agreement to resist her attempts to horn in on the house we're hoping to buy. o.0 A breath for unison NOPE.

when I explained to my roommate that i can barely keep myself fed & attempts to put me in charge of feeding Medium-Sized Child will result in him being hungry & me being under the bed, she fed both of us. A breath for dinner & also for people who listen when i say a thing.

Medium-Sized Child (who is back with his mother for the week, alas, because summer school) really is a pretty okay kid, & the more time he gets to spend here, the more okay he'll be. funny how he doesn't seem to have meltdowns when his mom isn't around... a breath for Yeah Maybe This Is All Right.

also my oldmancat is recovering VERY well, he's eating more, giving me more vigorous headbonks, he smells better, he's happier. he's currently snoring on the comfy cushion on the bed. happy oldmancat. happy momma. a breath for happy.

the plan

Battlemoor's coming. Do Battlemoor prep. Take a lot of deep breaths. It'll be okay.