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Whingey McWhingeypants
May. 9th, 2013 12:57 pmFeeling...randomly, remarkably crappy today.
It's been an ugh-tastic couple weeks. Chocolate (my grumpy old man cat with the food allergies) has been having a reaction to...something, I don't know, I didn't change his diet at all, so that was worrying, especially since I'd just bought a new bag of his kibble and might have to buy him something else instead. Which, money, and...
...I also bounced two checks last week, due to paying insufficient attention to things. Yes, my bad, but that doesn't make me any less stressed about it.
There's also the almost-bought-a-truck-but-damn stress from last week -- yes, at the same time I was bouncing checks, different accounts, okay? Trying to figure out a way other than Paypal to make it so I can easily transfer money from one account to the other. I don't want to connect both accounts to Paypal because I don't want Paypal to be able to randomly drain money from both of them; the risk is unpleasant enough with just one.
Plus (ick warning) the sebaceous cyst that's been on my upper back for, I dunno, years, but small and no worse than mildly annoying, suddenly got HUGE in the last week or two and it felt like someone had shoved a dinner plate between my shoulderblades. I couldn't move my arms or shoulders really at all without it hurting like crap, and I wasn't sleeping well, and I didn't feel like I could go to a doctor because money.
Finally Monday morning I was like screw it, I can't even with this, called a dermatologist and made an appointment. I was at the point where I was willing to spend RV Fund money on it and...yeah. It's straight-up self-care, and I need to be feeling okay if I'm going to actually get my business to the point where I can survive on it. But it's still hard to spend money when it feels like it's just pushing the time when I can finally get the fuck out of my mother's house further away.
Anyway, I went in yesterday and they did unpleasant things to my back and it was pretty ucky but the NP was really nice and did what she could to make it less not-fun. Even kept talking to me and telling me what she was doing and stuff when I asked her if it was okay, because I'm always curious about this sort of thing.
And then -- because they knew I didn't have insurance, and I wasn't going to be able to pay with Care Credit like I'd thought -- they didn't charge me near as much as they normally would have. I actually could pay the whole bill right then, instead of hoping they'd let me pay in installments (which it turns out they would have, if I'd had to).
...and I got home and just had nothing. I wound up eating lunch and going back to bed for like four hours, and felt ... just tired and a little dissociated last night, and today I don't want to do _anything_ and I just almost started crying listening to Galileo by the Indigos and maybe I'll just go back to bed again.
The worst thing is I haven't wanted to make soap in a week. I've been doing it anyway, but it's not fun like it used to be. I'm terrified that I'm starting to hate what I used to love doing, and if that happens how will I even be able to live?
It's been an ugh-tastic couple weeks. Chocolate (my grumpy old man cat with the food allergies) has been having a reaction to...something, I don't know, I didn't change his diet at all, so that was worrying, especially since I'd just bought a new bag of his kibble and might have to buy him something else instead. Which, money, and...
...I also bounced two checks last week, due to paying insufficient attention to things. Yes, my bad, but that doesn't make me any less stressed about it.
There's also the almost-bought-a-truck-but-damn stress from last week -- yes, at the same time I was bouncing checks, different accounts, okay? Trying to figure out a way other than Paypal to make it so I can easily transfer money from one account to the other. I don't want to connect both accounts to Paypal because I don't want Paypal to be able to randomly drain money from both of them; the risk is unpleasant enough with just one.
Plus (ick warning) the sebaceous cyst that's been on my upper back for, I dunno, years, but small and no worse than mildly annoying, suddenly got HUGE in the last week or two and it felt like someone had shoved a dinner plate between my shoulderblades. I couldn't move my arms or shoulders really at all without it hurting like crap, and I wasn't sleeping well, and I didn't feel like I could go to a doctor because money.
Finally Monday morning I was like screw it, I can't even with this, called a dermatologist and made an appointment. I was at the point where I was willing to spend RV Fund money on it and...yeah. It's straight-up self-care, and I need to be feeling okay if I'm going to actually get my business to the point where I can survive on it. But it's still hard to spend money when it feels like it's just pushing the time when I can finally get the fuck out of my mother's house further away.
Anyway, I went in yesterday and they did unpleasant things to my back and it was pretty ucky but the NP was really nice and did what she could to make it less not-fun. Even kept talking to me and telling me what she was doing and stuff when I asked her if it was okay, because I'm always curious about this sort of thing.
And then -- because they knew I didn't have insurance, and I wasn't going to be able to pay with Care Credit like I'd thought -- they didn't charge me near as much as they normally would have. I actually could pay the whole bill right then, instead of hoping they'd let me pay in installments (which it turns out they would have, if I'd had to).
...and I got home and just had nothing. I wound up eating lunch and going back to bed for like four hours, and felt ... just tired and a little dissociated last night, and today I don't want to do _anything_ and I just almost started crying listening to Galileo by the Indigos and maybe I'll just go back to bed again.
The worst thing is I haven't wanted to make soap in a week. I've been doing it anyway, but it's not fun like it used to be. I'm terrified that I'm starting to hate what I used to love doing, and if that happens how will I even be able to live?
