Having a rant now.
Jan. 17th, 2009 07:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellan_the_tabbyThe rant is upon occasion of me reading the following ad:
Are Your Earlobes Sagging, Torn or Damaged? Never Fear-Earlift is here!
Apparently there is a www.earlifts.com. I am not clicking on it. I'm not making a link to it. Go ahead and look, if you like.
Now, there will be a rant. It will be long. There will be shouting, profanity, and possibly blasphemy. You have been warned.
I will admit that I know a number of older ladies who have, one might say, earlobes of distinction. In my experience this is at least partly caused by a years-long habit of wearing ginormous, ugly earrings. One might argue that saggy earlobes are the due consequence of the wearing of ginormous, ugly earring, and that it is in fact, a suitable penance.
I do not agree with this. I feel that older ladies -- and, yes, older gentlemen as well -- should wear their saggy earlobes with pride. A badge of aging, once might say, a sign of triumph over the passing years, much like wrinkly skin and grey hair are such signs. I AM OLD. THE WORLD HAS NOT KILLED ME YET. GATHER NEAR, CHILDREN, TO HEAR MY WISDOM. NOW, GET OFF MY GODDAMN LAWN.
Which is to say, anyway, if they're PAYING ATTENTION TO THEIR GODDAMN EARLOBES AT ALL.
I mean, really. Sagging earlobes? Where does this fall on the spectrum of Things I Give Half A Shit About? There are a lot of things I give half a shit about, and the saggosity or lack of same of my earlobes is not among them. Heck, probably wouldn't notice if they disappeared. Well, it might take a couple days.
*pauses to check earlobes. Yep, still there.*
But perhaps you're the sort of person who does notice your earlobes, and perhaps you do actually sort of care about what they look like, and perhaps you even have the sort of money that would allow you to afford such an indulgence.
Consider this. If you have enough money that you can afford to WORRY ABOUT DROOPY EARLOBES...
Perhaps you might instead consider GIVING IT TO SOMEBODY WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO FEED THEIR KIDS FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
Or, just as another suggestion, SOMEONE WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH TONIGHT, BECAUSE THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEAT, OR EVEN A PLACE TO LIVE.
Another option would be the lady who sits two down from you at church every Sunday, WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT HOW SHE'S GOING TO PAY FOR HER MEDICATION THIS MONTH. YOU KNOW, THE STUFF SHE NEEDS SO SHE DOESN'T DIE?
Or maybe THAT GUY WALKING DOWN THE STREET WEARING EVERYTHING HE OWNS, WHICH ISN'T ENOUGH TO KEEP HIM REMOTELY WARM IN THIS RIDICULOUSLY OMG-HOW-COLD-IS-IT WEATHER.
I realize that most of my audience isn't Christian, and I'm cool with that. I imagine there are quite a lot of you who have SERIOUS ISSUES with some parts of the Bible. (I have to admit I'm there with you on some of them.) There are a couple bits in the Bible, though, that I think most all of my audience can agree with. And there are a few lines that I really wish more people, including a lot of the people who claim to share my religion, would pay some DAMNED ATTENTION TO.
They are as follows.
FEED THE HUNGRY.
GIVE DRINK TO THE THIRSTY.
CLOTHE THE NAKED.
SHELTER THE HOMELESS.
VISIT THE SICK.
VISIT THOSE IN PRISON.
Mostly we do a crappy job on the above. But there's one more injunction in the tally, and it's one that, as a society, we actually do an okay job with. Ready to preen over that? Don't be. We're only so good at it because it's the easy one. It doesn't cost much, and you don't have to talk to that scary homeless guy to do it:
BURY THE DEAD.
If you're still thinking about getting your GODDAMNED EARLOBES LIFTED after reading this?
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY RELIGION.
Are Your Earlobes Sagging, Torn or Damaged? Never Fear-Earlift is here!
Apparently there is a www.earlifts.com. I am not clicking on it. I'm not making a link to it. Go ahead and look, if you like.
Now, there will be a rant. It will be long. There will be shouting, profanity, and possibly blasphemy. You have been warned.
I will admit that I know a number of older ladies who have, one might say, earlobes of distinction. In my experience this is at least partly caused by a years-long habit of wearing ginormous, ugly earrings. One might argue that saggy earlobes are the due consequence of the wearing of ginormous, ugly earring, and that it is in fact, a suitable penance.
I do not agree with this. I feel that older ladies -- and, yes, older gentlemen as well -- should wear their saggy earlobes with pride. A badge of aging, once might say, a sign of triumph over the passing years, much like wrinkly skin and grey hair are such signs. I AM OLD. THE WORLD HAS NOT KILLED ME YET. GATHER NEAR, CHILDREN, TO HEAR MY WISDOM. NOW, GET OFF MY GODDAMN LAWN.
Which is to say, anyway, if they're PAYING ATTENTION TO THEIR GODDAMN EARLOBES AT ALL.
I mean, really. Sagging earlobes? Where does this fall on the spectrum of Things I Give Half A Shit About? There are a lot of things I give half a shit about, and the saggosity or lack of same of my earlobes is not among them. Heck, probably wouldn't notice if they disappeared. Well, it might take a couple days.
*pauses to check earlobes. Yep, still there.*
But perhaps you're the sort of person who does notice your earlobes, and perhaps you do actually sort of care about what they look like, and perhaps you even have the sort of money that would allow you to afford such an indulgence.
Consider this. If you have enough money that you can afford to WORRY ABOUT DROOPY EARLOBES...
Perhaps you might instead consider GIVING IT TO SOMEBODY WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO FEED THEIR KIDS FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
Or, just as another suggestion, SOMEONE WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE GOING TO FREEZE TO DEATH TONIGHT, BECAUSE THEY CANNOT AFFORD HEAT, OR EVEN A PLACE TO LIVE.
Another option would be the lady who sits two down from you at church every Sunday, WHO'S WORRIED ABOUT HOW SHE'S GOING TO PAY FOR HER MEDICATION THIS MONTH. YOU KNOW, THE STUFF SHE NEEDS SO SHE DOESN'T DIE?
Or maybe THAT GUY WALKING DOWN THE STREET WEARING EVERYTHING HE OWNS, WHICH ISN'T ENOUGH TO KEEP HIM REMOTELY WARM IN THIS RIDICULOUSLY OMG-HOW-COLD-IS-IT WEATHER.
I realize that most of my audience isn't Christian, and I'm cool with that. I imagine there are quite a lot of you who have SERIOUS ISSUES with some parts of the Bible. (I have to admit I'm there with you on some of them.) There are a couple bits in the Bible, though, that I think most all of my audience can agree with. And there are a few lines that I really wish more people, including a lot of the people who claim to share my religion, would pay some DAMNED ATTENTION TO.
They are as follows.
FEED THE HUNGRY.
GIVE DRINK TO THE THIRSTY.
CLOTHE THE NAKED.
SHELTER THE HOMELESS.
VISIT THE SICK.
VISIT THOSE IN PRISON.
Mostly we do a crappy job on the above. But there's one more injunction in the tally, and it's one that, as a society, we actually do an okay job with. Ready to preen over that? Don't be. We're only so good at it because it's the easy one. It doesn't cost much, and you don't have to talk to that scary homeless guy to do it:
BURY THE DEAD.
If you're still thinking about getting your GODDAMNED EARLOBES LIFTED after reading this?
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY RELIGION.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:11 am (UTC)Or knot.
::giggle::
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:21 am (UTC)This is why we love you so very, very much.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 08:40 am (UTC)Of course, it helps that I was listening to replays of Joan Rivers on NPR the other day, plumping her new book called (seriously): "Men Are Stupid... And They Like Big Boobs". How can you not laugh at vanity, when Joan Rivers at 70+ is trying to look half her age?
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 05:19 pm (UTC)*runs away screamin*
no subject
Date: 2009-01-19 02:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 03:31 am (UTC)Alas, the same part of me that sneaks up when I'm least expecting it and tells me I should be a priest also notes that I can do a hella more good out in the world.
This makes me cranky, but I appear to be stuck with it...
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 10:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-21 07:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-21 07:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 09:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 05:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 11:53 pm (UTC)Preach it, sis!
Date: 2009-01-18 03:30 am (UTC)Re: Preach it, sis!
Date: 2009-01-18 03:32 am (UTC)I do try not to shout, but man, some things just need hollered.
HOLLERED.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-18 05:19 pm (UTC)