La la la...
Feb. 19th, 2004 07:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kellan_the_tabbyLong day at work, but I got a lot done, which is always fairly encouraging. My back is being bizarre - normally sitting down is good, and standing up (especially to make trophies) is bad, but today...my back ached after sitting barely a half-hour for lunch, but I blew through seventy-five trophies (heavy ones, with marble bases) without so much as a twinge. Weird-oid.
Listened to Buffy: the Musical on the way home today. Got me thinking about a lot of things, a few of which I feel like sharing. Some of the Buffy stuff really reminded me of Lewis and the amount of stress he's under these days, and how he really does sort of act like he's 'just going through the motions, walking through the part' sometimes recently. He's trying not to - and clearly, he ain't as bad off as Buffy was at that point - but I keep thinking that things better slow the hell down or he's gonna burn crispy. Which feeds right back into the storyline, ya know?
And that's why I keep taking on more of the burdens, to take them off of him. Cooking, which I've been trying to avoid for _years_, and I'm finding I rather enjoy when I have the time and aren't hurried. And doing the January decisions, which wasn't _nearly_ as bad as I thought it'd be. Not to say it wasn't tough, mind you...
And I'm thinking I've finally got to the point in my life when I _can_ take on new things, and new burdens, and not be terrified of it, and do them really pretty well. I suppose it's about time, I was only useless at new stuff for seven or eight years, and I've only been on the Lexapro for six months now...
I needed that time, though, just to rearrange my own brain. I think I've got a lot of that done, now. I still go through my paranoid moments and there's still times I feel like all the things I have to do are a crushing weight on my shoulders - but it's a lot less often, and I feel a lot more capable of keeping _up_ with everything.
And I've finally got to the point where I can be in relationships with people other than Lewis and be _comfortable_ with the fact - I'd managed it a bit, before last Pennsic, but there were some real bad experiences then too - and these days there's three people I'm sleeping with on a semi-regular basis other than Lewis, one I'll be sleeping with as soon as we're in the same general physical proximity (which really is taking just _too_ damn long), and (pause to count) four more people I can think of offhand who I really wouldn't mind hopping into bed with, two of which I may actually have a shot at. And it's all _just_fine_. :)
The (admittedly mostly new) circle of friends I've gathered around myself has got a lot to do with my being more confident, too. It unnerved me a bit to realize that of the people I generally hang out with, two years ago I didn't even know most of them and really wasn't close with nearly all the rest. But then I realized that two years ago I really didn't _have_ a whole lot in the way of friends. I've just gotten...braver. And having a bunch of people around me who I know will save my ass if I need it (or bust my ass, too, but that's part of the deal) gives me a whole lot more space to get brave in.
Which comes back 'round to the other bit I was thinking of earlier...
What can't we face when we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Apocalypse
We've all been there
The same old trips
Why should we care?
What can't we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through within a minute
We have to try
We'll pay the price
It's do or die
Hey, I’ve died twice
What can't we face
What can't we face?
If we're together?
What's in this place
That we can't weather?
We're together
There's nothing we can't face
Except for bunnies
Rather flip, I'll admit, but at the same time...gather my current crowd around me, and I can't think of a whole lot we couldn't accomplish, one way or another. Well, world peace is probably beyond us...
It's a good feeling, though.
Listened to Buffy: the Musical on the way home today. Got me thinking about a lot of things, a few of which I feel like sharing. Some of the Buffy stuff really reminded me of Lewis and the amount of stress he's under these days, and how he really does sort of act like he's 'just going through the motions, walking through the part' sometimes recently. He's trying not to - and clearly, he ain't as bad off as Buffy was at that point - but I keep thinking that things better slow the hell down or he's gonna burn crispy. Which feeds right back into the storyline, ya know?
And that's why I keep taking on more of the burdens, to take them off of him. Cooking, which I've been trying to avoid for _years_, and I'm finding I rather enjoy when I have the time and aren't hurried. And doing the January decisions, which wasn't _nearly_ as bad as I thought it'd be. Not to say it wasn't tough, mind you...
And I'm thinking I've finally got to the point in my life when I _can_ take on new things, and new burdens, and not be terrified of it, and do them really pretty well. I suppose it's about time, I was only useless at new stuff for seven or eight years, and I've only been on the Lexapro for six months now...
I needed that time, though, just to rearrange my own brain. I think I've got a lot of that done, now. I still go through my paranoid moments and there's still times I feel like all the things I have to do are a crushing weight on my shoulders - but it's a lot less often, and I feel a lot more capable of keeping _up_ with everything.
And I've finally got to the point where I can be in relationships with people other than Lewis and be _comfortable_ with the fact - I'd managed it a bit, before last Pennsic, but there were some real bad experiences then too - and these days there's three people I'm sleeping with on a semi-regular basis other than Lewis, one I'll be sleeping with as soon as we're in the same general physical proximity (which really is taking just _too_ damn long), and (pause to count) four more people I can think of offhand who I really wouldn't mind hopping into bed with, two of which I may actually have a shot at. And it's all _just_fine_. :)
The (admittedly mostly new) circle of friends I've gathered around myself has got a lot to do with my being more confident, too. It unnerved me a bit to realize that of the people I generally hang out with, two years ago I didn't even know most of them and really wasn't close with nearly all the rest. But then I realized that two years ago I really didn't _have_ a whole lot in the way of friends. I've just gotten...braver. And having a bunch of people around me who I know will save my ass if I need it (or bust my ass, too, but that's part of the deal) gives me a whole lot more space to get brave in.
Which comes back 'round to the other bit I was thinking of earlier...
What can't we face when we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Apocalypse
We've all been there
The same old trips
Why should we care?
What can't we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through within a minute
We have to try
We'll pay the price
It's do or die
Hey, I’ve died twice
What can't we face
What can't we face?
If we're together?
What's in this place
That we can't weather?
We're together
There's nothing we can't face
Except for bunnies
Rather flip, I'll admit, but at the same time...gather my current crowd around me, and I can't think of a whole lot we couldn't accomplish, one way or another. Well, world peace is probably beyond us...
It's a good feeling, though.
